Dumb Fu

If this story was the plot for a film, you'd say it was too stupid to believe.

Recently, a 33-year-old guy thought it was a good day to pull a carjack. He found his victim, alone in his car at an empty intersection. He forced the man out of the car at knifepoint. Unfortunately for the carjacker, the victim was a Karate instructor. He threw the guy to the ground and disarmed him. In the process, he found the guy's gun. He took that away, too, after emptying all the bullets.

Now stop and tell me, what would you have done next? Called the police? Shot the guy in the foot so he couldn't get away? Called for help, so some other strong men could subdue the guy?

I wholeheartedly advocate non-violence, but this Karate instructor took his peaceful teachings a bit too literally. He lectured the carjacker about making the wrong choices in life. And then he did something really really stupid. He gave the guy back his knife and his empty gun, and sent him on his way.

The Karate instructor didn't get hurt. But here's what happened next. The carjacker became a bank robber. That's right -- he headed straight downtown with his knife and his empty gun, and held up a bank. He threatened numerous innocent people and held a woman at knifepoint before escaping with a brown paper bag full of cash.

He was caught, later that day, relaxing in his house. The brown bag was sitting on the kitchen table.

This all happened in the same area where David Carradine went to school. But somehow, I don't think our protagonist will feel like watching any Kung Fu reruns in the slammer.

Wait, I could write a better story. How about this: after the carjacker becomes a bank robber, a good-hearted security guard does the same thing: takes away the cash, gives the guy back his gun and knife, and shoos him away. He then stumbles to a convenience store and tries to pull a holdup. A customer disarms him and gives him another lecture. Everywhere he goes, the stupid bastard just can't pull off the job. It's like Groundhog Day for a thief. The world conspires against him and keeps giving him another chance.

What is his motivation? How about this: he was a brilliant programmer whose job was outsourced to India. Which is ironic, since he loves Indian food and makes it all the time for himself and his friends. But he hasn't worked in two years, and after stooping to a sleezy telemarketing gig that makes his head buzz, he cracks.

In the final scene, he takes an entire Indian restaurant hostage. He hasn't had anything to eat all day and he's starving. The food is awful. At gunpoint, he forces the chef to prepare Chicken Makhani from his own recipe. It's the best Chicken Makhani that the restaurant owner has tasted in years. He gives the guy a job. Five years later, the stupid bastard owns the fastest growing chain of Indian restaurants in California: Bombay Thieves Palace.