Tuesday, January 18, 2005

You Paid Too Much For Your Lolex

The watch I usually wear is a steadfast analog Citizen, which I bought for about a hundred bucks. It tells me the day, the date, and the time down to the second. It has a pretty gold face and a simple brown leather strap. When I wear my Citizen, I feel grounded and sensible.

But I also have a Lolex.

Not a Rolex. A Lolex.

I bought it in Thailand at the Night Market in Chiang Mai four years ago.

My Fake Rolex, otherwise known as My Lolex "Hey Lady! You my first lucky customer today! I have nice Lolex for you, look!" He was one of about a hundred fake watch hawkers at the Night Market, which is bigger than any flea market you've ever seen or imagined. The thing spills out into the streets and goes on for blocks and blocks. If you like to stay up all night and shop, this is where you die and go to heaven.

Among the Thai silks, the Buddhist carvings, the obligatory t-shirts, and the countless utensils made from bamboo and coconut husk are fake Rolex watches. And fake Patek Phillip watches. And fake Choppard watches. In fact, you name the high end watch, there is a knock-off at the Chiang Mai Night Market.

And they are cheap. I paid $11 for mine. And that was the upgraded model. Jeez, that's only a dollar more than the unimpressive no-name watches they sell at Miami Airport!

It looks just like the real thing, down to the mechanical movement with the sweeping second hand, the heavy clunky weight, and the official green Rolex sticker on back . I know what a real Rolex looks like because my husband has one -- the stainless steel model. He bought it to celebrate a swanky promotion 10 years ago. He eventually got laid off from that job. Good thing he bought the Rolex while we could still afford it.

I have no desire to spend thousands of dollars on a Rolex, because I have my Lolex, and it keeps good time. When I remember to wear it, that is. That pesky mechanical movement keeps screwing me up. I forget to wear it for a couple of days and it stops ticking. And because it's a fake, it's a pain in the ass to re-set; virtually impossible. Which is why I usually slink back to my battery-operated Citizen. I could pay a hundred bucks for a watch-winder gadget from The Sharper Image, but somehow spending a hundred bucks on an $11 watch seems -- I dunno -- stupid.

Around Christmastime my email overflowed with spam. I bet yours did, too. Many of those annoying spams touted a great deal on a fake Rolex. Perfect replica, only $500. Makes a Great Gift! Some even said that the fakes were made in Italy. Yeah, sure.

Now imagine this. Some schlub goes to Thailand or Indonesia and buys a trunkload of Lolexs for -- say -- $7 each. And then he sells them on the internet for $500. That's one great profit for one enterprising bastard. And if you paid $500 for an $11 Lolex, you are one stupid bastard. Sorry to break it to you that way. Somehow, I doubt that any of the Spamming Lolex Peddlers are donating a penny of their obscene profits to the Tsunami Relief Fund. But it would restore my faith in humanity if they did. If you hear of any, let me know.

So the next time you get one of those Fake Rolex spams, remember lady...you their first stupid bastard -- I mean their first lucky customer -- today.


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